It has been a rough week. I actually don't even think rough fully describes it. More like loathsome or heartbreaking or possibly even horrendous. And I have totally tried to put on a brave face and act like everything is okay, although I am not sure how well I am doing, I feel like I am failing miserably.
Really all I want to do is climb to the top of the highest mountain or walk until I am in the middle of a massive field by myself and just scream "THIS SUCKS." And then I want to sit where I was standing and just cry. And cry and cry and cry until it was all out. And I wouldn't have to explain it to anyone or act ashamed of not being strong enough. But I can't do that, and that sucks too.
So instead I am fighting on. I am putting one foot in front of the other and smiling and going through the motions waiting until the feeling passes. Half the battle is you attitude right?
I do really good as long as I stay busy. As long as I don't have time to let my mind wander, to let it think about everything. It is usually about midnight, when there is nothing else going on that it really gets to me. And sometimes in the middle of the day when it sneaks up on me and blindsides me. Today it hit me when I was dropping Wyatt off at school, this overwhelming sadness. It makes it hard.
It makes it feel like I am just existing. Just trying to get through the parts of the day I have to be awake so I can go back to sleep. So I can escape from the rough things in life. But that is not living, that is not a life that I want. Even if life is rough or loathsome or heartbreaking or horrendous and even if the pain sneaks up on me, I am still alive, and because of that I am BLESSED.
Today is the first day of the rest of my life. And I plan on living each day that the Lord gives me with a fire inside me that shines for everyone to see. I pray I can get through the hard times and I pray that I can do more than just put one foot in front of the other. I want to LIVE, not just exist.
My prayer is that I will find peace with everything, and that each day I will wake up and find another reason to keep moving forward, to keep fighting, and most importantly to live.
