God has forgiven, why can't I forget?

I was lying in bed the other night completely exhausted from the long day that I just barely made it through.  I woke up exhausted, I had a rough morning with the girls, I had a hectic day at work, I was struggling to get through some homework and my oldest daughter had just had an epic meltdown that not only left me with a few physical bruises but left me feeling like a complete failure.  As I lay there on the verge of tears I couldn’t help but have the thought that God was punishing me for my past sins.    And certain sins of mine kept popping into my head.  My mind was racing with thoughts of “if you had never turned your back on God then he wouldn’t turn His back on you” and “you deserve to suffer for what you have done.”

I lay in bed and I started crying.  And not the few tears running down my face crying, it was the full-blown sobs where you choke on your tears because you can no longer control it sobbing.  It felt as if my tears had bubbled up from the very depths of my soul and that they would never stop.  And as I cried I was screaming in my head, “GOD FORGIVE ME, please make it stop, PLEASE forgive me.” 

And as I lay there falling apart I had a moment of clarity.  It is not God who is holding my sins against me; it is me who cannot let go of them. 

Have I sinned?  Yes, more times than I can even count.  Do I still sin?  Of course I do.  I know that there are natural consequences to my sins, some that I deal with daily – yet God offers forgiveness and He offers grace.  He does not use that sin against us.  And that forgiveness and grace is not dependent on who I am, but on whom He is.

When I sin Jesus is not staring at me in disgust, He is looking at me with love and compassion and forgiveness.  He is waiting for me to ask for forgiveness and come to Him and to lay it all at His feet.  And He forgives my sin.  Right then and there, and He lets go of it.  And I need to let go of it too.

My prayer is that I learn to let it go, that I learn to find freedom in the love and grace of Jesus.  And I pray that if anyone else ever feels this way that they to will find His love and grace and learn to be free from the heavy weight of their sins.

I am slowly, painfully, and divinely being pieced back together.

More often than I want to admit, I find myself sitting in empty rooms or dark corners with tears in my eyes, feeling defeated and broken and small.   It is in these moments, when I am sitting by myself, that I find it so easy to question God.  But it is also in these empty rooms and dark corners that I hear His whisper, “I have made you, I will carry you, I will sustain you, I will rescue you.”

My God tells me, “Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.” (Isaiah 41:10)

He reassures me that I am not destined to be broken.  “For I know the plans I have for you…plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and hope.” (Jeremiah 29:11 )

He tells me that He is “close to the brokenhearted; He saves those who are crushed in spirit.” That “He heals the brokenhearted and bind up their wounds.”

Life is filled with so much brokenness.  But my God, He is able to take the broken shards and put them back together beautifully, perfectly.  I know it is what He is doing with my life.  And even though it is slow, and sometimes so painful, I trust that it is His divine will that I will be pieced back together and made whole again in Him.

When I feel like I can't, God says I can.

When I feel too tired to keep going my God tells me, "I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

When I feel all alone my God tell me, "I will never desert you or forsake you." Hebrews 13:5

When I feel like I am unable my God tells me, " And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that always having all sufficiency in everything..." 2 Corinthians 9:8

When I feel like it is just impossible my God tells me, "The things that are impossible with people are possible with God." Luke 18:27

When I feel afraid my God says, "For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7

When I feel like nobody loves me God says, "For I so loved the world, that I gave My only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Me shall not perish, but have eternal life." John 3:16

When I feel like I just CANNOT do it my God says, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

When I feel like I just can't manage my God says, "I will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19

When I feel like it just is not worth it my God says, "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

I will not hide my scars because they are proof that my God heals.

I recently received a card that moved me to tears.

"Your strength may surprise you.  You've been through so much lately, and I know it has taken a lot out of you.  At times, it must seem like things will never be normal again.  But I know you'll handle it, because you are one of the strongest, most resilient people I've ever known.  And anytime in the days and weeks ahead that you need someone to remind you just how wonderful you are, I am here.  I wish you strength and peace in the days ahead."

It is so completely humbling that someone feels that way about me.  This person gave me the courage to face that day.  Their simple act of kindness made a difference in my world.  I am so humbled by their words.

You know what is even more humbling?  That God feels that way about me.  That He loves me despite the fact that I fail Him daily.  How AWESOME is that?  It is because of Him that I am able to be strong, it is because of His love that I am resilient.  And it is because of His people that I am surrounded by love and encouraged with words that are so humbling they make me cry.

Always remember, if you are questioning if you have strength, YOU DO.  If you question if God is real, HE IS.  We all have gifts to offer this world, things that are good and right and true.  No one else can make a difference like you can, LIKE YOU ALREADY ARE.  

Today I will not hide my scars because they are proof that my God heals and that through Him I have the strength to face anything.

It is perfectly okay to admit that you are not okay.

It has been a rough week.  I actually don't even think rough fully describes it.  More like loathsome or heartbreaking or possibly even horrendous.  And I have totally tried to put on a brave face and act like everything is okay, although I am not sure how well I am doing, I feel like I am failing miserably.

Really all I want to do is climb to the top of the highest mountain or walk until I am in the middle of a massive field by myself and just scream "THIS SUCKS." And then I want to sit where I was standing and just cry.  And cry and cry and cry until it was all out.  And I wouldn't have to explain it to anyone or act ashamed of not being strong enough.  But I can't do that, and that sucks too.

So instead I am fighting on.  I am putting one foot in front of the other and smiling and going through the motions waiting until the feeling passes.  Half the battle is you attitude right?

I do really good as long as I stay busy.  As long as I don't have time to let my mind wander, to let it think about everything.  It is usually about midnight, when there is nothing else going on that it really gets to me.  And sometimes in the middle of the day when it sneaks up on me and blindsides me.  Today it hit me when I was dropping Wyatt off at school, this overwhelming sadness.  It makes it hard.

It makes it feel like I am just existing.  Just trying to get through the parts of the day I have to be awake so I can go back to sleep.  So I can escape from the rough things in life.  But that is not living, that is not a life that I want.  Even if life is rough or loathsome or heartbreaking or horrendous and even if the pain sneaks up on me, I am still alive, and because of that I am BLESSED.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.  And I plan on living each day that the Lord gives me with a fire inside me that shines for everyone to see.  I pray I can get through the hard times and I pray that I can do more than just put one foot in front of the other.  I want to LIVE, not just exist.

My prayer is that I will find peace with everything, and that each day I will wake up and find another reason to keep moving forward, to keep fighting, and most importantly to live.

Learning to live.

The 5 most important things I've learned about living...

#5: Stop overthinking.
I seriously have learned this the hard way so many times. When you allow yourself to overthink you create problems and situations that aren't real. It is the easiest way to ruin something that had nothing wrong with it.  
Matthew 6:34 "So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own."

#4: Don't compare yourself to others.
There is no one else exactly like you. No one can be you, just like you cannot be anyone else. What may be your strength can be someone else's weakness. What someone else breezes through could be your biggest struggle. You were made as you are. Be proud of that and embrace it.
Psalm 139:14 "I will give thanks to You, for I  fearfully and wonderfully made..."

#3 - Learn to be alone happily.
You will never be able to be happy until you learn to be by yourself happily. If you depend on others for your happiness you are not truly happy. Learn to unplug and enjoy yourself. And remember, if you have a faith you are never alone.
Deuteronomy 31:6 "Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid and tremble at them, for The Lord your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you."

#2 - Meet your problems head on.
Seriously, stop trying to run away from your problems, it is a race you will NEVER win. If you run away from them you will spend your entire life looking over your shoulder waiting for them to catch up with you. Stand up and  face them head on. You will never be free from them until you do.
Romans 8:18 "For I consider that the sufferings of the present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us."

#1 - Do not wait to find out you are dying to start living.
So often people wait until they find out something bad is happening before they really light a fire in themselves about living. What a wasted life. We should live each day with such zeal and fire that if it indeed was our last it would have made an impression.  Do something worth while with your life.  Leave a great impression on others.  Live in a way that when you are gone people look back upon your life and know that when you died you had shown people what is what to truly live.
John 9:5 "While I am in the world,  I am the light of the world."

We accept the love we think we deserve.

A friend just told me, "We accept the love we think we deserve."  So the question is, what do I think I deserve?  

That is a hard question for me.  Honestly, if you asked me I would say that I deserved to be loved and cherished and adored.  But if I really was honest with myself and looked deep down I would see that I don't feel that way at all.  I feel unworthy and not enough.  And what is sad is I am not sure how I have gotten to this point in my life.  I used to be full of confidence and self-worth but over time I have allowed myself to become defeated.  

It is so easy for a few simple words to bring anyone down.  You can be praised and feel accomplished and confident and then you hear that one little phrase, "you are not enough" and even though the good words have always out number those four small false words, you allow them to poison everything.  I know I personally have allowed them to take the good I felt about myself and destroy it.  Don't get me wrong, I have taken great strides in this battle against myself, but just when I think I am back to where I am proud of who I am, just a few simple words sneak back in and tear me back down.

And the more I think about those four words, the more I realize that I am not good enough on my own.  None of us are.  Romans 3:10 says, "As it is written, 'there is none righteous, not even one."  Not one of us is good enough on our own.

Thankfully though, Gods grace is sufficient enough for all of us.  It is through His grace and mercy that we can be seen as good enough in the eyes of anyone.

Now I am not saying that if you don't go to church that you are not good enough.  Your relationship with God is going to be different than anyone else's relationship with God.  Some feel His presence the most sitting in a pew on Sunday mornings.  Some feel His presence on a mountaintop watching the sunset.  I feel His presence sitting on a cliff overlooking the ocean.  We are all different.  But we are all good enough because of Him.

If I were to ask God what type of love He thought I deserved, well, I am beyond humbled at the thought of His answer.  I know He would say that I deserved to be loved always, to be cherished always, to be adored always.  

If I try to be good enough on my own, I will remain defeated, but if I allow for the peace that He offers me into my life I truly will be good enough.

"Why am I discouraged?  Why is my heart so sad?  I will put my hope in God.  I will praise Him again." Psalm 43:5

Dosta.